胡思

Random Thoughts

一说到清明节，便会想起那首妇孺皆知的歌谣：“清明时节雨纷纷，路上行人欲断魂，借问酒家何处有，牧童遥指杏花村。”

For many people, at the mention of Qingming Day (Tomb-Sweeping Day), the following popular song inevitably comes to mind:

It is drizzling and showering on spring memorial day,
The mourners travel with hearts lost in sadness.
When asked where to find a tavern to stop by,
A shepherd boy points at an apricot blossom village far away.

今天是清明节，是汉族传统祭拜祖先，抚慰英烈的日子。街上的人们手捧鲜花，携家带口，络绎不绝地出城为祖先和先烈扫墓。

It is Qingming Day, the traditional “Memorial Day” in Han China designated for paying homage to ancestors and fallen heroes. On the street, many families head to the outskirts of the city in a steady stream; with fresh flowers in hand; they are ready to sweep the tombs of their predecessors and martyrs.

而我却独自一人，在医院排队等候检查身体。无情的病魔侵扰着我，在我不堪一击的体内大行烧杀掳掠之恶行，令我焦急难耐。但无论是谁，得病也只能自己承受，别人是代替不了的。没生病的时候没有切身的体会，生了病方知生老病死的苦楚。

Yet I found myself all alone queuing for physical exams in a hospital. The demons of disease have been raging horrendous wars in my feeble body, leaving me anxious and helpless. But whoever we may be, we have to bear the miseries of illness all alone. It is only in illness that we experience firsthand the sufferings of birth, sickness, aging, and death, which otherwise seem elusive when we are healthy.

在缴费处熬了一个多小时，终于轮到我了。单验血一项就需260元，看着周围很多衣衫破旧的人，心想：他们如何负担得起这些昂贵的医疗费用啊！难怪西方有一种说法：“是穷人就不要生病，否则医院的门槛是很高的。”没钱治病，只能眼睁睁地等死。唉！这些可怜的众生。

Finally it’s my turn after waiting for more than an hour at the billing department. It cost 260 yuan for a blood test alone. Seeing many patients wearing ragged clothes, I wondered how they could manage to pay such high fees for medical care! No wonder it is said in the West: “If you are poor, try not to get sick. The threshold of the hospital is too high to cross.” For people unable to pay medical bills, the only alternative is to wait to die helplessly. How miserable are they!

为了等待检查结果，我坐在一棵据说有150年树龄的榕树下休憩。实在难以想象，它的年龄居然超过了我的高祖父。但高祖父早已弃我们而去，而这棵树却巍然依旧。人的寿命竟然不如一棵树，即使没病也活不了多久，无常真是可怕啊！

As I had to wait for the lab report, I rested under a ficus tree reputed to be 150 years old, an age that beats my great grandfather’s. How amazing. My great grandfather has been long gone while this tree still towers majestically. We humans are just no match to trees in terms of lifespan—even if we manage to be disease-free, our days are numbered. Impermanence is indeed frightening!

得到检查结果，坐车回家的路上，看见一座巨大的建筑物，听说其产权归属于一耋耄之年的老人。想到不久于人世的老人，与坚固依然的大楼，实在为那些作着长期打算的人们痛心。

On the ride home after getting my report, I saw a huge building supposedly owned by someone quite advanced in age. Musing over the old man toward the end of his life and the big building that would remain strong, I felt sorry for those who’re still making long-term plans.

整整一个上午，就这样胡思乱想。既未看书，也没念经。

All morning, I was preoccupied with these random thoughts, having neither read books nor recited scriptures.

——清明午时于阳台
壬午年二月二十三日　
2002年4月5日

On the balcony, at noon on Qingming Day
23rd February, Year of RenWu
April 5, 2002