Chapter Three： FRATERNITY

兄道友，弟道恭，兄弟睦，孝在中。
财物轻，怨何生，言语忍，忿自泯。
或饮食，或坐走，长者先，幼者后。
长呼人，即代叫，人不在，己先到。
称尊长，勿呼名，对尊长，勿见能。
路遇长，疾趋揖，长无言，退恭立。
骑下马，乘下车，过犹待，百步余。
长者立，幼勿坐，长者坐，命乃坐。
尊长前，声要低，低不闻，却非宜。
事诸父，如事父，事诸兄，如事兄。

孔子说过：

Confucius said,

君子有三戒：
少之时，
血气未定，戒之在色；
及其壮也，
血气方刚，戒之在斗；
及其老也，
血气已衰，戒之在得。

A superior person should restrain himself in three ways during his life.
In his youth, when he is not yet physically mature,
he should refrain from lust.
In the prime of life, when his physical vigor is at its peak, he should refrain from fighting.
In his old age, when his physical strength has declined, he should refrain from acquiring things.

这说明了凡人的一生，都在造业。虽则世间之人千万种，造的业也千万种，归纳起来，只有两大类：一类为争名，一类为争利──更多的人则是兼而有之。

This quote makes clear that a person creates karma throughout his entire life. There are millions of different kinds of people in the world, and they create millions of different kinds of karma. Yet these various kinds of karma can be divided into two main categories： one is karma created in the struggle for fame, and the other is karma created in the struggle for profit. Most people create both kinds.

既然好争，名利熏心的结果，往往连亲情也不顾，遑论其他？解决争端的办法是什么呢？给他们更多的财富地位吗？那就像抱薪救 火，火势愈烈，人只有更贪婪，争得也更厉害。所谓“人心不足蛇吞象”，“欲望犹如无底洞”；“不足”并非争的原因，“贪”才是罪源。所以正本清源，从小教育孩子不争，才是解决个人问题、社会祸乱，以及国际战争的根本办法。

Intoxicated with the desire for fame and profit, they may even forsake the close ties of family, how much the more other things. Can the problem be solved by giving them more wealth and status? That would be like using firewood to put out a fire; it only makes the fire blaze higher. Their greed would only increase, making them strive all the more eagerly. As it’s said, "People are never satisfied; they are like a snake wishing to swallow an elephant." "Desire is like a bottomless pit." The cause of their strife is not that they do not have enough, but that they are greedy. Therefore the fundamental solution is to teach children not to contend. This is the basic way to resolve personal problems, restore order in society, and stop war between nations.

一切的教育，再没有比儿童的启蒙教育更要紧的了，而儿童的启蒙教育，又肇始于家庭。古圣人教化的次第是：“亲亲而仁民，仁民而爱物”；因此以“孝、悌”为首倡，从善事近亲做起。

No form of education is more important than the education given to young children. Such instruction begins at home. The ancient sages prescribed the following order of teaching: "From being filial to parents, one learns to be kind to all people. From being kind to all people, one learns to love all creatures." Therefore, they first emphasized filial piety and fraternal respect, and taught people to attend well upon their parents.

孝，是一种从事生、事死，到祭祀的全套作业，是人子终生要拳拳服膺的；终生行孝的人，自然会谨守法度，也能够慈爱众人了。所以说：“慎终追远，民德归厚矣！”孝道是连悌道都包括在内的，前面不是说“兄弟睦，孝在中”吗？那么， 怎样才能令兄弟和睦呢？第一就要教他们“不争”。怎样才能令兄弟不争呢？第一就要教他们“忍”。忍什么？忍气、忍苦、忍难；总之，忍一切的不公平。

Filial piety involves a full set of duties including serving one’s parents when they are alive and after they pass away, including making offerings to them. These are obligations that a child must diligently carry out for his whole life. People who are filial their whole lives will naturally be law-abiding citizens who show tender concern to all. Thus it is said, "Let there be careful attention to performing the funeral rites for parents, and let them be followed when long gone with the ceremonies of sacrifice; then the virtue of the people will resume its proper excellence." The practice of filial piety includes within it the practice of fraternal respect. As the text said earlier, "If brothers and sisters get along harmoniously, then it’s clear they know how to be filial." How can there be harmony among siblings？ First, they must be taught not to contend. How can they be taught not to contend? They have to be taught to be patient-to have the patience to endure scoldings, sufferings, hard- ships, and all sorts of unfair treatment.

现代很多教育专家，成天呼吁父母师长要注意孩子的感受。过分看重的结果 ，惯得很多孩子凡事就衡量公平不公平，丝毫不肯退让；只想到自己受不了，不知体谅他人的难处。从小在家，就为了“为什么哥哥可以出去玩，我不能”、“为什么姐姐有新衣，我没有”之类的琐碎小事而受不了，动不动就叫不公平；受不了不公平便怎么样？争！吵！小时争小事情，大了就争大的；在家与兄弟姐妹争，上学就与同学争，出社会就与人人争。上下交征名，上下交征利，社会焉能不动乱？所以从家庭教育做起，教导孩子减轻欲心，学习忍不公平，学习吃亏，这才能人人不争。

Many modern educators do nothing but warn parents to pay attention to their children’s feelings. As a result of the overemphasis of this point, children have become spoiled to the point that they only think about whether or not things are fair to them, and they will not yield in the least. Only aware of their own discomfort, they never give any consideration to others’ difficulties. When they are growing up at home, they complain about small things, such as: "How come my brother can go out to play, and I can’t?" "How come Sis has new clothes, and I don’t?" They complain about every little thing that they think is "not fair." What happens when they get upset over things not being fair? They fight! They argue! As children they bicker over small things, but by the time they grow up they contend over big things. At home they bicker with their brothers and sisters; at school they argue with their classmates; and in society they contend with their fellow citizens. With such competition over fame and profit at all levels of society, how can chaos not result? Therefore, only by starting at home and teaching children to lessen their desires, to be patient with unfairness, and to learn to take losses, can we stop people from contending.

有个朋友生了三个女儿，每次领薪水，不是给女儿买玩具，就是买衣服；而且买的衣服，一定一式三套。我以经济的眼光劝他：“小孩长得快，衣服马上就太小不能穿了，一套衣服可以姐妹传着穿嘛！”她却情绪激动地叫起来：“为什么做妹妹的就得穿旧衣？”我吓了一跳，赔小心又试探地问：“那也可以每人买个不同式样的吧？”“不行！式样不同也是不公平。要是她们认为另一件比自己的好，不是要争了吗？我受够了我妈的不公平待遇，绝对不再让孩子因为不公平而受伤害。”

I have a friend who has three daughters. Every time she gets paid, she goes out to buy toys or clothing for them. And when she buys clothes, she always gets three sets of the same thing. Thinking economically, I advised her, "Children grow very fast and outgrow their clothes almost immediately. Why don’t you buy one of everything and let them hand it down from the older to the younger sisters?" I was taken aback by her sharp retort: "Why should the younger ones always have to wear hand-me-downs?" I cautiously tried to make another suggestion: "Well, at least they could each buy a different style, couldn’t they?" "No. If the style is different, it’s not fair either. If they thought someone else’s was better than theirs, they’d start bickering. I had enough of my mother’s unfair treatment, and I’ll never let my own children undergo that kind of injustice."

后来我才知道；原来她是家中三姐妹的老二，自小总觉得父母看重老大，怜惜老么，自己是最受忽略的一个；因此常与母亲及姐妹争，已很多年不与母亲及姐妹来往了。过了十年，我听说她的三个女儿不但也是彼此不合，还都很怨恨她，她过得很寂寞。由此可见，力求表面的公平，或尽量用物质去满足孩子，仍无法教孩子不争啊！说起来，还是从心地下工夫来得根本。只要能教孩子寡欲，孩子又有什么可争的呢？只要能教孩子忍不平，孩子又怎么吵得起来呢？

Later I found out that she was the second of three sisters. Ever since she was little, she felt her parents had favored the eldest and adored the youngest, but had neglected her. That’s why she had always quarreled with her mother and sisters, and had not communicated with them for many years. Ten years later, I heard that not only did her three daughters not get along, but they all blamed her, and so she was very lonely. From this, we can see that insisting on superficial fair treatment or trying to please kids with material things is not the way to teach them how not to contend. The fundamental solution is to work on their hearts and minds. If we can teach children to reduce their desires, what could they possibly contend about？ If we can teach them to tolerate unfair treatment, how could they possibly get into arguments?

古诗说得好：

An ancient poem puts it well:

兄弟同居忍便安，
莫因毫末起争端；
眼前生子又兄弟，
皆与儿孙作样看。

With patience,
we can get along well with our brothers and sisters.
Do not start fights over little things.
As siblings, we ought to set a good example
for our children and grandchildren to follow.

所谓毫末，就是不重要的。什 么是不重要的？财物是不重要的，名也是不重要的，男女私情也是不重要的，因为那些都是无常的。什么又是重要的？人格道德是最重要的，因为那是不朽的。而人格道德的培育，自孝悌做起。况且自己不知孝悌，当然也教不来儿女孝悌，那就要自尝苦果了。如是因，如是果，可不慎哉？

Little things means trivial matters. What is trivial? Wealth is trivial, and so is fame and romance, because none of them are lasting. What is important? Integrity and moral virtue are the most important things, because they never perish. The development of integrity and virtue begins with filial piety and fraternal respect. If we ourselves do not understand how to be good to our own parents and siblings, then of course we can’t teach our children to be good to their parents and siblings, and we’ll have to suffer the bitter consequences. As is the cause, so will be the result. How can we not take heed?