Chapter Three： FRATERNITY

兄道友，弟道恭，兄弟睦，孝在中。
财物轻，怨何生，言语忍，忿自泯。
或饮食，或坐走，长者先，幼者后。
长呼人，即代叫，人不在，己先到。
称尊长，勿呼名，对尊长，勿见能。
路遇长，疾趋揖，长无言，退恭立。
骑下马，乘下车，过犹待，百步余。
长者立，幼勿坐，长者坐，命乃坐。
尊长前，声要低，低不闻，却非宜。
事诸父，如事父，事诸兄，如事兄。

有一间百货公司登报要雇办事员；三天里来了八十多个人，几乎每个人都拿封介绍信。经理跟每个人都谈了一次话，最后，他录用了一个没带介绍信的青年人。别人都很奇怪，经理就解释说：“旁人的介绍信只有一封，这青年人却带了三封。当他走进了我的办公室，就轻轻把门关上；这是第一封介绍他谨慎的信。他跟我说话时，音调又清晰，对答又有条理，这是一封介绍他聪明的信。当一位老人走进了我的办公室，他就赶快站起来；这是一封介绍他礼貌的信。他有三封介绍信，都表现在行动上；别人的介绍信，不过表现在纸上罢了！”

Once when a department store put a want ad in the newspapers for an administrator, within three days eighty-some people showed up, virtually all of them bringing a letter of recommendation with them. After interviewing all of them, the manager finally hired a young man who had not brought a letter. When others expressed their surprise, the manager explained, "Everyone else brought only one letter of recommendation, but this young man brought three letters. When he walked into my office, he gently shut the door behind him; this was a letter describing his cautiousness. During his conversation with me, his voice was clear and his responses were logical; that was a letter telling me about his intelligence. When an older person came into my office, he quickly stood up; that was a letter telling me about his courteousness. His three letters of recommendation revealed themselves in his behavior; everyone else’s letters were merely written on paper."

从这故事看来，平常就养成恭敬长者的习惯，锻炼出不卑不亢的应对的谈吐，是做人做事成功的基础。人是社会的动物，不能离群而索居。如何与人和睦相处，并获得发展自我潜能的机会，以服务人群，这是一生都要努力的课程；这个课程，开始得愈早愈澈底，将来的际遇也愈顺利。因此，儿童的启蒙教育，应以孝悌为先，培养他们对父母师长的恭敬心；孩子长大跨入社会，自然就会是个有礼貌的人，这是成功地展开人际关系的第一步。

From this story, we can see that developing the habit of respecting our elders and speaking in a way that is neither lowly nor overbearing will ensure our success in dealing with people and matters. People are social creatures who cannot live in total isolation. We must seriously learn how to dwell in harmony with people in order to develop our own potentials so we can help the common good. This is the lesson of a lifetime, and the sooner and the more thoroughly we learn it, the smoother our life will be. Hence, early childhood education should stress filial piety and brotherhood first, teaching children to respect their parents. When they grow up and go out into the society, they will naturally be courteous and well-mannered; that is the first step in relating successfully to other people.

虽然也有人说：“大行不顾细节，何必这么拘谨呢？”但这只是说，小礼仪有时可以不必那么执着，不表示我们的内心可以不恭敬师长。恭敬应该发自内心，但是每个人内心的看法不同，标准也有异，有时就会遇到难题。时下的孩子，思想大都很活泼，也都很能言善辩；你若教他恭敬师长，他很可能反过来告诉你，这位老师或长辈言行如何如何，言下之意是他们觉得这位师长不值得尊敬。他们往往反问你；“你教我表现得恭敬，岂不是教我作假，装两面人吗？这不诚实。”不少家长哑口无言，不知怎么回答好。

Some people may say, "In doing great deeds, one should not be hampered by fine details, why should we be so rigid?" This is only saying that we don’t always have to be too attached to minor points of etiquette; it doesn’t mean we can be disrespectful to our teachers and elders in our minds. Respect should come from the heart. However, everyone’s outlook and standard is different, so sometimes we run into problems. Children of today are very liberal in their outlook and very good at arguing their own views. If you tell them to respect their teachers and elders, they might respond by telling you certain things about their teacher or elder, implying that the person is not worth respecting. They often ask you, "If you ask me to show respect, aren’t you just asking me to put on a false front? It’s not for real." Many parents are left speechless; they don’t know how to reply.

所以我们为人父母师长的，除了要时常躬自反省，改进自身的品行外，还得灌输孩子们正确的概念。什么呢？我们发自内心来尊敬三种人：第一是品德比自己好的人；第二是年纪比自己大的人；第三是职位比自己高的人。第一种人，相信谁都会认为值得尊敬；第二、第三种人，不管他的品行如何，还是应该尊敬。为什么？俗语说：“人生不如意，十常八九。”可谓苦多于乐，灾患多于平安；想想看，这位长辈，要奋斗到现在，才能够活着成为比我们年长的人，难道不值得尊重？这位老师或长官，要努力到现在，才有今天的身份和职位，难道不值得尊重？何况每个人都有机会轮到做尊长的时候，“要怎么收获，先怎么栽”。这么开解给孩子听，而能发自内心去敬老尊贤了。千万不要以权威去强迫孩子虚应事故，让他戴个礼貌的假面具，而成为伪君子；也不要纵容孩子，让他长成一个不知天高地厚的狂妄小子。

As parents, teachers, and elders, not only should we always reflect upon ourselves and improve our own character and conduct, we should try to teach children the correct way of thinking, which is that we should bring forth heartfelt respect for three kinds of people: (1) those who are more virtuous than we are, (2) those who are older than we are, and (3) those who have higher position than we do. I think probably everyone will agree that the first kind of person deserves respect. But we should also respect the latter two kinds of people regardless of their character. Why? There’s a proverb, "The trials and tribulations take up 80 or 90 percent of our life." You could say there’s more suffering than joy, more disasters than peace. If you think about how long our elders have struggled to be able to survive and be elders, wouldn’t you say they are worthy of respect? Think about how much hard work teachers and high officials have put in to get where they are now. Don’t they deserve our respect? What’s more, everyone will get a turn to be honored as an elder. Therefore, whatever you want to harvest, you first have to plant. If you explain it to your children like this, they will gradually understand and start to respect elders and worthy ones from their heart. You should never force children into putting on a false show of courtesy and turning into hypocrites. On the other hand, don’t be so lenient with then that they turn into wild kids with no sense of appreciation for all they have received.

“敬老尊贤”一直是中国的优良传统。《周礼》所制定的〈乡饮酒〉就是藉着乡人一起宴饮的场合，一来敦亲睦邻，二来让年轻人实习敬老尊贤。此外，古中国人尊重老师有如贵宾，坐时主人居东，请老师西向对坐，所以就尊称老师为“西席”或“西宾”。这种尊师之礼，就是在豪门贵族也不例外；甚至有很多皇帝、皇子在平居时，对老师都恭敬执持弟子之礼，不敢让老师向自己跪拜。“程门立雪”，更是尊师之千古美谈。

Reverence for elders and veneration for virtuous ones has always been a wholesome tradition in China. The Zhou Dynasty rite of "toasting," taken from the custom of the rural villagers, served to strengthen family bonds and neighborly harmony, and to allow young people to practice respecting their elders. Furthermore, in ancient times the Chinese people treated their teachers like honored guests. When sitting, the host would sit on the east side and invite the teacher to sit on the west side facing him. Thus the teacher came to have the honorific title "West-Seated One" or "Western Guest." Even the nobility followed these rules of etiquette for respecting teachers. Many emperors and princes, when they were living as civilians, would treat their teachers with the respect of a disciple, and would not let the teacher bow to them. The story of how "Cheng’s students stood while it snowed" is a wonderful example of respect for one’s teacher.

故事是这样的；程颐、程灏两兄弟都是宋朝有名的大儒，门下弟子都很多。哥哥程灏为人洒脱风趣，时人称誉他；听其一席话，“如坐春风三月”；弟弟程颐则严谨自持，弟子对他敬畏有加。有一天，两位弟子陪侍着程颐，程颐忽然睡着，弟子没得到吩咐，不敢退下，乃恭敬地侍立两侧；等到程颐醒来，弟子才告退，一看门外的积雪都快及膝了。所以“程门立雪”就成了后世礼敬严师的典故。现代的社会里，我们虽然不必拘泥这些旧礼，但恭敬的诚心，应该是古今不渝的。

It goes like this: Cheng Yi and Cheng Hao were two brothers in the Song Dynasty who were both renowned Confucian scholars with many disciples. The elder brother Cheng Hao was jovial and quick-witted. People praised him and said that listening to his lectures was like "sitting in the spring breeze for three months." His younger brother, Cheng Yi, was solemn and serious, and his students held him in respect and awe. Once when two of his students were attending upon him, Cheng Yi suddenly fell a sleep. Since he had not bidden them to leave, the two students dared not do so, but respectfully continued to stand on either side of their teacher. When he woke up, the students took their leave and discovered that the snow outside the door was already knee-deep. This story has been passed down to later generations as an illustration of respect for a stern teacher. Although we need not rigidly hol to old-fashioned rules of etiquette in modern society, the attitude of sincere respect is something that never changes with time.