Chapter Two： FILIAL PIETY

父母呼，应勿缓，父母命，行勿懒。
父母教，须敬听，父母责，须顺承。
冬则温，夏则凊，晨则省，昏则定。
出必告，反必面，居有常，业无变。
事虽小，勿擅为，苟擅为，子道亏。
物虽小，勿私藏，苟私藏，亲心伤。
亲所好，力为具，亲所恶，谨为去。
身有伤，贻亲忧，德有伤，贻亲羞。
亲爱我，孝何难，亲憎我，孝方贤。
亲有过，谏使更，怡吾色，柔吾声。
谏不入，悦复谏，号泣随，挞无怨。
亲有疾，药先尝，昼夜侍，不离床。
丧三年，常悲咽，居处变，酒肉绝。
丧尽礼，祭尽诚，事死者，如事生。

前面说到劝父母改小过时，必须坚持到底，但是万一劝到父母开始不高兴时，就要马上停止，等哪一天父母心情好时，才再继续劝，就像牛皮糖一样的黏劲儿，而且甜；不只是甜，还很黏，非缠到父母改过，绝不罢休。必要时还可以声泪俱下，让父母不忍心一意孤行下去。万一父母还是不听，甚至反过来说是我们的思想错误，而要责骂我们，甚至于打我们时，怎么办？古代的中国圣人也传授了一个妙招：“小杖则受，大杖则逃。”

The previous passage told us that when exhorting our parents to change their faults, we should be persistent. However, if our parents become upset, we should immediately stop and wait for a day when our parents are in a better mood to continue. Our persistence should be like the stickiness of taffy. Not only is it soft and sweet, but it is extremely sticky; we must not give up until our parents change for the better. If the need arises, we may even break down in tears, until our parents cannot bear to be willful anymore. What if, instead of listening to us, our parents scold us and say we are wrong, or even hit us? The ancient sages of China gave a good piece of advice： "If they beat us with a small stick, we should endure it. If they come with a big stick, we should run away."

以孝顺闻名的曾子，有一回挖土，不小心刨了瓜的根；他父亲十分生气，顺手抓过一根棍子，打得曾子跛了好几天。而曾子体会亲心入微，怕父亲看到难过，还每天高高兴兴地，不敢让父亲看出他受了重伤。孔子知道后，不但没夸他孝顺，还责备他笨和不孝。为什么呢？因为他“陷父母于不义”了！假如曾子因此残废或者死亡，他的父亲岂不是要入狱受刑，并一辈子生活在他人的唾弃，与自已的悔恨之中？所以真懂得孝道真谛的，是不会做个傻孝子的。

Zeng Zi (Confucius’ disciple) was renowned for his filial piety. Once when he was digging the earth, he accidentally hacked through the root of a melon plant. His father was so furious that he grabbed a club and gave his son a fierce beating. Zeng Zi was lame for several days. But knowing that his father would feel bad if he knew, Zeng Zi acted happy and didn’t dare let his father find out that he had been seriously hurt. When Confucius heard about this, he not only didn’t praise Zeng Zi for being filial, but rather scolded him for being foolish and not filial. Why? Because he had allowed his parents to incur a reputation of unkindness. If Zeng Zi had ended up permanently crippled or dead, his father would undoubtedly have been imprisoned and punished, and would have had to suffer disgrace and regret for the rest of his life. One who truly understands the meaning of filial piety would not act so foolishly.

父母若是骂，或打我们几下子，就承受下来，痛一下也就过去了，犯不着小题大作，以为就是虐待。其实，父母都是“打在儿身，痛在娘心”的。但是父母若失去理智，没命地毒打时，就一定要躲要逃了！

If our parents scold or hit us a few times, we might as well bear it, for the pain will go away soon. There’s no need to make a big deal and think they are abusing us. Actually, when parents hit their children, they feel the pain in their own hearts. However, if our parents lose their minds and beat us viciously, then it’s time to run and hide!

现代的人很注重虐待儿童的问题，但是却有点反应过度，甚而滥用。不少偶尔受罚的孩子，被当作虐待儿童处理，而与父母隔离，造成双方心理上的不平衡；更有孩子利用这个来要胁父母，弄得父母不敢严厉管教孩子，造成一堆问题青少年。今日社会问题之所以层出不穷，难道不是滥用保护政策，与误解自由平等的结果吗？

Nowadays people pay a lot of attention to the problem of child abuse, but the measures taken to prevent it are sometimes a bit excessive. Parents who occasionally punish their children may be charged with child abuse and have their children taken away from them; this results in unnecessary psychological harm to both sides. Sometimes children take advantage of this situation and use it to threaten their parents, so that parents don’t dare to be stern with their children. The lack of discipline has resulted in large numbers of juvenile delinquents. Today’s endless social problems are perhaps a consequence of the abuse of protective policies and the misunderstood notion of freedom.

凡事总以合乎中道为佳，真正的虐待儿童，我们绝不应漠视，但也不宜反应过度，造成父母师长管教上的困扰。

In general, it would be best to find a happy medium. Genuine cases of child abuse should definitely not be overlooked. On the other hand, measures taken to prevent child abuse should not be so over reactionary that it becomes difficult for parents and teachers to discipline children.

有一个女学生，她的母亲在离婚后变得更好喝酒，醉了就乱发脾气；那时若孩子不小心惹了她，不是挨打就是挨骂。有一天，这当时才十二岁的女孩子，见母亲打小妹妹，就逃到邻家，打电话向专管虐待儿童的部门求救。经法院判决，孩子不宜再与母亲同住，于是姐妹俩就被两个不同的家庭认养了。有时这女学生去看望生母，她母亲却看也不看她一眼；她就自己内疚着，以为母亲一定恨透了她，而在她那位专靠收养这类孩子为生的养母那儿，又未得到真正的爱和照顾。为应付大人的挑剔，她学会了讨好巴结，把一腔不平衡的情绪都发泄到外面，对同年龄的孩子有着暴力的倾向。

There was a young girl whose mother got a divorce. After the divorce, the mother often drank and was very temperamental when she was drunk. If she got upset at her daughter, she would scold or beat her. One day the girl, who was twelve years old at the time, saw her mother beating her little sister, so she ran over to a neighbor’s house and called the Child Abuse Hotline for help. The court ruled that the mother was not fit to live with her children. The two sisters were separated and were sent to different foster homes. When the girl went to visit her mother, her mother ignored her. She felt sure that her mother hated her. Yet she found no genuine love or caring in her new foster home either. In reaction to criticism from the adults around her, she learned how to please and flatter them. Sometimes she let out her pent-up emotions and behaved violently toward other children.

上高中后，她比较懂事了，试图去了解她的生母，才发觉她的生母其实是活在悔恨里，再加上因思念孩子和孤独无助，变得更加自暴自弃，振作不起来。这女学生也很希望一家团圆，但是法律上已不许可了！

When she grew more mature in high school, she made an effort to understand her biological mother. It was only then that she realized how lonely and without support her mother had been, how much she had yearned for her children and been filled with regret. Her mother was even more helpless than before, unable to set her life straight. The daughter hoped to patch up her broken family now, but the law wouldn’t allow it!

话说回来，孩子在成长过程中，或多或少，或久或暂地，都有一段偶像塑造与崇拜的模仿期；谁是他们最早的模仿对象呢？当然是父母、年长的家庭成员了，其次才是师长，接着便是一些社会名人和历史英雄。既然父母是最早的偶像人选，在童稚的心中，自有其颠扑不破的地位，那么孩子又能有多少智慧，去判断父母是否犯下过错？万一他们发现了父母也有过错，他们又会怎样震惊和失望？孩子们的是非标准和概念，本来就有待大人的教导，而今不但要承担这种打击，还要负起规劝的责任，那又是多么不容易啊！

When children are growing up, there is a time when they are looking for models to follow and idols to worship. This time varies in length and intensity from person to person. Of course parents and elder family members are their earliest models, followed by teachers, famous people in society, and heroes in history. Since parents are the earliest models, they hold an indestructible place in a child’s heart. How much wisdom does a child have to judge whether or not his parents are at fault? When children discover that their parents can also make mistakes, imagine their shock and disappointment. Since children rely on adults to give them a standard for right and wrong, how difficult it must be when they not only have to overcome the shock of seeing their parents’ errors, but they have to take on the responsibility of exhorting their parents to change.

但是，我们也不要低估了孩子的良知和良能。假使古代的中国孩子能勉力这样去做，那么现代的中国孩子也能；中国孩子能，那么各国的孩子也能。只不过现代的大人替小孩设想太多，保护太过，令孩子丧失了天赋的适应力，而变得自私自利或神经质罢了！所以从各方面来看，我们还是以实践这个古老的原则，按照这些方法去做，比较能理事圆融无碍。

Nevertheless, we should not underestimate children’s intelligence and capabilities. If the children of ancient China were able to do it, so can the Chinese children of today. If Chinese children can do it, so can those of other nationalities. It’s just that today’s adults are overly protective of children, causing children to lose their natural adaptive abilities and become selfish and neurotic in- stead. Therefore, from all perspectives, it seems that we should go back to the ancient principles; that seems to be the most perfect solution.