Chapter Four: LEARNING TO BE CAREFUL

朝起早，夜眠迟，老易至，惜此时。
晨必盥，兼漱口，便溺回，辄净手。
冠必正，纽必结，袜与履，俱紧切。
置冠服，有定位，勿乱顿，致污秽。
衣贵洁，不贵华，上循分，下称家。
对饮食，勿拣择，食适可，勿过则。
年方少，勿饮酒，饮酒醉，最为丑。
步从容，立端正，揖深圆，拜恭敬。
勿践阈，勿跛倚，勿箕踞，勿摇髀。
缓揭帘，勿有声，宽转弯，勿触棱。
执虚器，如执盈，入虚室，如有人。
事勿忙，忙多错，勿畏难，勿轻略。
斗闹场，绝毋近，邪僻事，绝勿问。
将入门，问谁存，将上堂，声必扬。
人问谁，对以名，吾与我，不分明。
用人物，须明求，倘不问，即为偷。
借人物，及时还，人借物，有勿悭。

我们一般的礼貌，在即将进入他人房间、厅堂等处，还会想到先问一声「有人在否」，或者敲敲门；但是在自己家里，就往往忘了这样做。其实，人最觉放心之处，常常是最易惹出祸端之处。即使是在自家厅堂或一己的房间，只要同个屋顶下还有第二个人存在，进入之际先发声相询，或是出声示警，譬如加重脚步或轻咳两声，总是好的；若是在办公的处所，进出或经过他人办公室时，更应谨记这点。为什么呢？因为万一里面真的有人，就可避免惊吓到那个人，这是一种礼貌；不仅如此，也可以保证他人隐私，甚而保护住自己的身心性命。

Before entering a room or a hall, it’s common courtesy to ask: "Is anyone there?" or to knock on the door. However, we usually forget to do this at home. In fact, wherever we feel most comfortable is where we’re most liable to get in trouble. Even if it’s our own living room or bedroom, as long as there are other people in the house, it’s better to ask or make a warning sound--with heavy footsteps or light coughing--before entering. This is especially important when entering or passing others’ offices at work, to avoid scaring anyone who happens to be inside. It’s a basic courtesy. It’s also a way to protect others’ privacy and our own minds and lives.

所谓「知人隐私者，祸必先及之」，如果他人在屋子里所说所做的，是不可以或不愿意他人看见、知道的事情，被你冒冒失失地闯进来瞧见、听到，事态轻者，彼此感觉尴尬，严重者，自己就有危险了！古今中外，因不小心撞见他人隐私，或无意间听到他人秘密，以至被诬赖陷害，小者丢财去职，大者家破人亡，甚者全家遭殃的，真是大有人在。能不戒慎吗？

There’s a saying: "Those who know others’ secrets are sure to get into trouble." If you carelessly rush in and discover people saying or doing things they don’t want others to know about, you’ll both be embarrassed and your life might even be in danger . People who accidentally intrude on others’ privacy or overhear secrets often get framed or slandered. In minor cases, they may lose their jobs and fortune; in major cases, they may get killed and bring ruin and misfortune upon their whole family. This happens all the time, so we’d better be careful.

战国时代的孟子，是个把儒学传扬光大的哲人，后世尊他为「亚圣」，以示他是大成至圣先师孔子以来的第二人。孟子婚后，有一次自外回家，也没敲门就入房，他的妻子正巧在换衣服，来不及穿好；孟子气冲冲地掉头就走，向母亲说媳妇不懂礼，要把她休掉。

Mencius, a philosopher who propagated the teachings of Confucius during the Warring States Period, is honored as the Lesser Sage, for he was second to the Greatest Sage and Teacher, Confucius. After getting married, Mencius returned home one day and walked into the bedroom without knocking. His wife happened to be changing clothes and had no time to get dressed properly. Mencius was furious and walked out right away. He complained to his mother that her daughter-in-law had no propriety and said he wanted to divorce her.

所谓休掉，在古代的男权社会里，是一种极不平等的单向离婚，只能由男方提出，签名就算数。女方毫无辩驳余地，只能带着随身衣物回娘家；而娘家人又往往引以为耻，被休的妇女大都含怨和泪度其余生，或是自尽。当然，男人也不是随便可以休妻的，必须是妻子犯了重大的败德行为，即所谓的「七出之罪」；只不过它常常被有些挑剔的恶婆婆或喜新厌旧的丈夫利用，加以「莫须有」之名，而造成无数悲剧。

Divorce was an extremely unfair custom in the patriarchal society of ancient China. Only the husband could initiate divorce proceedings, and his signature was enough to make the divorce official. The wife had no right to protest; all she could do was pack up her personal belongings and return to her parents’ home. What was worse, her relatives were usually ashamed of her. Most divorced women bore deep grudges for the rest of their lives and some even committed suicide. Of course, a man could not casually divorce his wife, but only when she had committed serious licentious acts known as the Seven Divorce Offenses. Unfortunately, these were often misused by a picky mother-in-law or when the husband loved another woman. By charging the wife with these offenses, they caused numerous tragedies.

孟子当然不是这种人，他只是根据那个时代对妇德的标准，认为妻子不知礼。幸好他有个贤明的母亲，详细问明原因，就反问他﹕「你进屋前有没有先问 一声呢？」孟子答没有。孟母于是责备他﹕「《书经》上说，将进门时，要问谁在里面；要入厅堂时，要高声说话；进房间时，视线要下垂。这就是说不要趁人不备时，去找人家的过错。你既没敲门，她自然不知道你要进去；今天的情形，不懂礼的是你自己呀！」孟子听了非常惭愧，急忙向妻子道歉。这故事的背景及那些古早的妇德标准我们暂不予置评，单就事论事，以孟子之贤，尚且险些因此不慎而酿成家庭悲剧，何况是我们一般的人？

Of course, Mencius was not such a bad man. He simply thought that according to the standards of women’s virtue of the time, his wife had been ill-mannered. Fortunately he had a wise mother who questioned him in detail: "Did you ask before yon went into the bedroom?" Mencius said he hadn’t. She then admonished him, "The Book of History teaches us that we should ask, ’Who’s there?’ before going into a room. We should also speak in a loud voice before entering a hall. When we step into a room, we should keep our gaze downcast to avoid finding others’ faults when they aren’t prepared. Since you didn’t knock, of course she didn’t know you were entering. You were the one who was impolite!’ Hearing this, Mencius felt very ashamed and immediately went to apologize to his wife. For now we won’t discuss the background of this story or the ancient standards for women’s virtue. This story was told to illustrate that even a man as worthy as Mencius nearly caused a family tragedy due to his carelessness; how much more liable arc we ordinary people to make such mistakes?

此外，敲门、按电铃，或者打电话时，也应该先自己报名号；若对方先问起，也要把自己姓氏名号说清楚；常见有些人只是万分亲热地答应﹕「是我呀！还记得我吗？」或者是故作俏皮地说﹕「猜猜我是谁？」唉！这才真正是「忘了我是谁」了！你以为自己是个什么特殊人物啊？要是人家想不出或猜不着你是谁，岂非自讨没趣？

In addition, when we knock at a door, ring the doorbell, or make a phone call, we should give our own name. If the other party asks first, we should also clearly tell that person our name. Quite often, people reply in a very familiar manner: "It’s me！ Remember me？" Or they respond with a wisecrack: "Guess who？" This is really "forgetting who one is"! So you think you’re someone special? If that person can’t figure out who are you, aren’t you just asking for trouble?

谈到自己报名号或署名，这也都是有规矩的。举例说吧！若是打电话或写信给老师，除非是常在跟前的入室弟子，否则总要连名带姓报上；若不是应届生，还得报上自己是某某年次某级某班的学生，否则桃李满天下的老师如何知道你是谁呢？对于朋友、同事或上司，除非是熟得不能再熟的，否则也要连名带姓报上，甚至还要报出工作单位。对于父母及同姓尊长，要先称呼对方，再自报名或小字，不用道姓；道姓则不但见外，且贻笑大方。对于异姓外戚，要先称呼对方，再自报正名；若久不见面或较疏远的，不但要报姓，还要提示出自己的父母祖先。

When you introduce yourself and give your name, there are certain rules to follow. Here are a few examples. When you call or write to your teacher, you should give both your first and last names unless you are a student on very familiar terms with him/her. If you are not a graduating student, you should give your grade and class. Otherwise, how can a teacher who has so many students possibly know who you are? When addressing friends, colleagues, or your boss, you should also give your full name and even your department, unless you are a very close friend. When you meet parents and elder relatives with the same surname, you can first greet them and then give your first name or nickname without the surname. If you say your surname to them, it sounds too formal and you’ll get laughed at. When addressing relatives of different surnames, first greet them, then say your full name. If you have not seen them for a long time, you should say your surname and mention your parents and grandparents as well.

对于晚辈亲戚，自称称谓即可；对于下属、学生，则在头衔上还要加姓，以示区分，不必道名，这是比较传统式的；现代人喜欢民主自由，不爱这许多拘束，不论长晚辈或上下属之间，只互相称名，而不尊称其姓，更不加头衔，不过对亲长，还是以加上尊敬的称谓为得体。若是在规模庞大的公司，对于属下，尊称其姓，可以显出自己的身份和教养；对于非直属的上司，更以尊称其姓为妙，以免被「炒鱿鱼(解雇)」。总之，时代虽变，礼不可缺废。人而无礼，犹树之无皮；无礼则无体，其于禽兽何异？

To relatives of a younger generation, you may simply give the title by which they should call you. To subordinates or students, you should give your title and surname without the first name. These are some of the more traditional manners of addressing people. People nowadays prefer to be more free and dislike being tied down by conventions. Elders and young people as well as bosses and subordinates usually call each other by first name without saying the surname and title. However, it is proper to address elder family members using the titles of respect. If you work in a large company, it is more fitting that you call your subordinates by their surnames to show your status and education. And it’s better to respectfully address your superiors by their surnames to avoid getting fired. In general, the times may change, but propriety cannot be abolished. People without a sense of propriety are like trees without bark. Without propriety we’d have no essence, and being this way, how would we be different from animals?